blocked

bismillahirrahmanirrahiim.

my mind keeps telling me to write, but it's blocked. i know exactly what it is, but it's blocked. so here now, the rambling me.

the first.

i want a smile on my face when i die, no matter how jutek i am now. i used to be proud about my cool expression *ADUUH! siapa nih yg lempar batu??* ehem maksudnya kejutekan saya. karena dengan begitu, saya ga jadi cewe targetan godaan-suit2an-atau-(amit2)-colekan abang2 di terminal atau pinggir jalan. tapi sekarang? nah. ngga. bukan, bukan karena sekarang saya kepengen jadi targetan godaan-suit2an-atau-(amit2)-colekan abang2 di terminal atau pinggir jalan. bukan deh sumpaaah haha gile lu ye. it's just, it's kinda make me stereotyped of being unsociable or untalkable or unbecandaable, etc. bahkan waktu saya cuma diem dan ga ada niatan untuk ngejutek.. (berarti kadang2 diniatin dong ye? haha ups sowwyy) gitu deh. gimana dong.

semoga cap jutek saya bisa saya ilangin cepet2 dan ga kebawa ampe udah jadi dokter nanti. the sooner the better. eh aminin dong woy, jangan mangap doang! hahehe becanda2.. kayaknya saya jadi galak bener ye disini -__-

ya Allah, saya pengen senyum luar dalem waktu saya mati. amiin.

second.

what can you do when your good isn't good enough? well yes it's a Glee song. tapi dalem banget bo. saya beberapa kali ngalamin, and it's... depressing. eh ga depresi sih sebenernya, cuma sedih aja. misal udah bikin refleksi kasus rapih, ampe ada kali baca 10 jurnal *asik, songong banget ga gue, haha*, read every inch of the chapter, nyiapin presentasi bermalam2 di sela jaga. but still, it's not good enough buat si dokter.

tapi saya sekarang mulai ga peduli, yang penting udah usaha, terserah mau dikasih apa. tapi (lagi) saya juga jadi milih dosen yang baik ngasih nilai deng kalo maju refleksi kasus wekekke dasar ye mahasiswa, pragmatis! haha ampuun, jangan salahin kita ya bapak2 ibu2 :D

third.

i am paranoid. i confess. and it's confirmed, according to my friends. bisa keliatan dari hal2 yang simpel aja, misalnya:

kasus: temen jaga saya pergi sendirian dr banyumas ke purwokerto naik bis, ampe malem belom pulang.

pikiran orang normal: dia pasti keenakan jalan2 di purwokerto (yang fyi, so much alive compared to banyumas)

pikiran si paranoid: duh jangan2 dia pingsan di jalan, atau keabisan/keilangan uang jadi harus jalan kaki pulang ampe banyumas.

zzzz banget ga sih. capek jadi orang parno. banyak kasus lain sebenernya, ampe temen2 yg baru kenal 10 minggu aja ngerti kalo anin-itu-paranoid! grrr. nambah 1 lagi yg mesti diubah nih +__+

the last.

they say, lessons are repeated until they are learned. and yes it's affirmative. saya ngalamin itu, sering sering sering. hikmahnya? ternyata lessons are just not learned yet, thoroughly. kayak peran jadi asisten 2 SC/operasi. judul perannya sama, ya itu. tapi ternyata, apa yang dipelajarin waktu operasi pertama, kedua, dan kesekian, itu ga sama. it's like, they repeated and accumulative.

jadi menurut saya sih, kita semua pasti punya our first time. operasi pertama, desain pertama, laporan neraca pertama, rancangan skripsi pertama, nyetir pertama, dll. ga perlu ngerasa bego kalo di yg pertama2 itu masih ga well. tapi ga boleh ngerasa kepinteran karena pasti ada aja yang belom kita tau. be in the middle, just at the right dose.

.

well i think that's more than enough ya. ini udah kepanjangan buat post dari pikiran mampet. eke bisa dihajar massa kalo lebih panjang lagi.

so, toodles! :)

Lesson Learned

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

It has been 6 weeks, the koas thing. I feel so blessed for what i see, what i learn, and what i have. Indeed, for everything. Though maybe what others see, learn, and have could be waaay better than i do, i think i'd rather choose to be grateful. I just want to be a happy beautiful and sweet and young koas :)

Experience

I saw, assist, and help childbearing process times. I saw several babies born with congenital anomalies, or even dead (intrauterine fetal demise). Have you ever thought how horrible it is when the mother has been pregnant for 8-9 months, carrying the baby around all the time, searching names for the future child, getting nausea, urinating frequently, getting ugly stretch marks, and giving birth painfully, but the baby's just born dead. It is heartbreaking.

There was a case also, about 26 years old primigravid mother who had eclampsia. She died in ICU because of coma, and so did her baby inside. Just imagine how it feels like to be her husband. They were just married for a year, her wife was still young, they were waiting their first child to come, picturing a happier life. But BAM! Out of nowhere, he lost both. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. How we should be grateful for what we have.. And it reminds us to death, the only certain yet unpredictable event of our life.

Of course i have happy experiences too. Honestly, my heart is always totally melting when i hear a father do azan beside his baby. My melting heart then make my daydreamy brain to picture the same moment. A moment when my (future) husband do azan beside my our baby. Aaa i’m so h-a-p-p-y, i’m gonna cry! Hehe i hope i will have the moment someday, amin :)

Mistakes

I do make mistake(s). It is uncountable. I think they are mostly because i don't know what to do, or how doing it right and quick, or simply where to put drugs or any other equipment. So i think orientation and observation are the very first two things that should be done when we get to new 'job' or let's say, environment.

There was a time when the-fear-of-doing-mistakes keeping me from trying. That time I was offered to assist myomectomy operation and i almost say no. I said, "but I know nothing, doc." But the doctor simply said, "Of course. If you know everything then you'll learn no more." Such a simple thought that i actually (frequently) forgot. We learn from mistakes. It doesn't mean that mistake-is-okay-so-i-do-things-just-as-i-want. I think making mistake is so human, but we (try to) learn, time by time, not to make the same mistake. Every pro must has been an amateur once, right? :D

So people, let’s be grateful and positive! Because they will bring you joy and success. Amiin :)

Quotes #1

"Which way will you go: to the right where there's nothing left, or to the left where there's nothing right?" -Anonymous

"Climbing a mountain was never easy, so don't whine when you decide to go climb and find the journey to be difficult. We should have known the consequence from the very beginning, don't you think?" -Diana Rikasari

"Even God doesn't judge a man until the end of his day. Then why should you?" -Asma Nadia

...feel like i want to scream my lungs out. such a weird feeling. ah, those 3 quotes are oh-so-me, so i post. #nevermind

please come to mama soon, dear positive energy! <3